As a Bisexual/Pansexual Queer person, who is part of the LGBT+ spectrum, I find it difficult to “come out” in the classroom, whether it be to my own students or to my fellow graduate colleagues. I think anyone who is part of the LGBT+ spectrum, particularly trans people (because of the lack of understanding people have of gender identity and its flexibility), have a difficult time with this, especially knowing how much discrimination and judgement LGBT endure throughout their lives. Just recently this terrible republican white guy is trying to pass a law that would allow employers, aka “government contractors,” to discriminate against LGBT+ people on the basis of “religious freedom.” Right, so it is totally a part of your freedom if you choose to fuck up other people’s lives. Cool.

I do think in some ways, it is easier for a Lesbian or Gay person to come out in the classroom and/or to other colleagues. This is because compared to a Bi person like myself, it is a monosexual identity. Monosexual means liking one or the other. I like people based on if we vibe well, not their body parts or gender identity. But for some people, a Bisexual identity is “confusing” or “not real.” It is “greedy” or a “phase.” I can assure you as a Bi person that this shit is all false. I am real and no I am not confused. A Monosexual identity, such as being hetero, lesbian, or gay, is not too “confusing,” at least to people who are not severely homophobic. This is what makes coming out in the classroom, as a Bi person, difficult.

As a teacher, I think of how students knowing my sexual orientation would hinder my ability as a facilitator in their writing. This is because some students may sexualize me, based on all the stereotypes of Bi-woman as slutty threesome porn-star people. Whether or not I am slutty or have had threesomes, the point is that I do not want students to have this notion of me. I think it would lead to a sort of disrespect unfortunately. Furthermore, if there are students who think all of the typical stereotypes of Bi people (that I mentioned earlier), this may discredit me as an instructor. I am already a radical gender-fluid woman Latinx young person, so I am already dealing with identity intersections that may marginalize  me in certain aspects. Adding Bisexual to it may not help.

As a student, no opportunities have really risen for me to talk about my Bisexual identity (in the English department). I mean there have been a few instances where other LGBT+ people have spoken about sexual orientation, but for some reason I find it difficult to fit in my own perspective as a Bi person. I feel like before I can even explain something, as a Bi person, I first have to abolish all the possible stereotypes people may have, which is not very encouraging. What makes this more difficult, is that as a Poly person (based on more than sexual needs, meaning actual love and emotion towards more than one person), I “fit in” to the stereotype of what people think about Bi people; which is that they are not monogamous, even though there are Bi people who are monogamous. So yeah, it is kinda complicated.

I think as a whole it is difficult for any LGBT+ person to share their identity in the classroom, for fear of how students will react. And as a teacher, it would be shitty to be faced with all of that negative energy when trying to teach. Unfortunately, the problem is that many people assume everyone is hetero by default. Which is such a skewed perception to have.

The lingering question is, How do I negotiate this? Well, basically as I implied earlier, I do not talk about my sexual orientation as a Bi person. I would rather not deal with ignorant shit being thrown my way. However, I have talked about bisexuality at one point, in one of my two classes. I have also talked here and there about LGBT+ rights and discrimination, and, I will be talking about the media photos of the Orlando massacre next week. While I do not talk about bisexuality specifically, I do include LGBT+ perspectives. Maybe one day there will be less of a stigma for people who are not hetero or monosexual to come out. But until then, I am “staying in” when it comes to being a teacher in the classroom.

So this is a vent about the limitations I face in the English department, particularly being a Feminist of Color aka Feminist Puerto Rican. All of my posts address these topics, although not in a necessarily direct manner. Since the English department is full of mostly white graduate students, I’ve noticed whenever I bring up any conversation on race in English theory class, it is mostly, if not always, met with silence. It really bothers me, specifically because it shows the dismissal and/or avoidance of discomfort. Coming from the WGSS department, and being in classes where discomfort is faced rather than avoided, this is really really strange to me. Not only is this strange, it makes me feel like this marginal voice that no one even wants to try to understand. However, the purpose of sharing my thoughts, that are always related to class articles and topics, are to bring awareness and discomfort; because truth is discomfort. Truth is most of the time, is not a positive experience, especially if it brings true change.

I think about how I am probably one of the very few *Feminist of Color* Writing teachers that talks about racism and homophobia. I tie these thoughts and ideas and true experiences, into class readings, responses, free writes, etc. I think how the students in my classes, especially those of Color, will not have anything like this experience in their other English classes. And it really makes me sad. It makes me sad that their personal forms of expressions relating to gender, race, or sexuality may be silenced. Why is this not more important in these writing classes?

Most, if not all of my students, wrote in their midterm reflections how they really enjoy their freedom of expression in the class, as well as the inclusion of uncomfortable topics. Why else are we in the academy if we cannot face the challenge of discomfort? Complacency and comfort is not enough. Sometimes I feel this boiling point being reached when grad students (or anyone) say these racist comments/thoughts, and then, the conversation moves on very quickly. Too quickly. When I hear a grad student mocking a southern African American’s dialect, it reeeallllly peeves me. Its like this itch that I want to scratch, but I can only scratch it for a little bit, and accept the lingering itch. There would have to be multiple classes that focus on implicit racism embedded in  language and consciousness, that obviously is not going to happen, unless anyone ventures over to the WGSS department. The good thing is, whenever a student says something prejudice in their writing or in class, I can immediately point it out because I am “the teacher.” I think it is a great that I am in a position where I can bring such awareness to fellow students.

What is helping me for now, is speaking my thoughts despite those who want to silence them. I guess you can say I have a wild tongue.

So a few weeks back, when I was doing an audio recording for my English theory autobiography, I came to this intense realization. My perfectionism (as discussed in a previous post) is tied to assimilation. I won’t go into how me, as a Boricua (aka Puerto Rican, Nuyorican), have assimilated into Western culture, but I will provide this link if you are interested: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/latinas-and-the-difficulty-to-fit-in/

Being a perfectionist means I am hard on myself when I don’t do things as perfectly as I think I could, especially for a Puerto Rican or Latinx. This means when I fall behind on things like grading, doing internship proposals, internship duties, etc., I feel like shit. However, I never realized that the main reason I feel like shit is because I think it is based on not being fully successful at assimilation. Falling behind, in a more abstract way, means I have not been fully “American-like,” and even though I am far from lazy, in this weird distorted way I feel like I am… because I set such high standards for myself. So where is this post going? Am I going onto an identity crisis rant? No. This relates to my teaching.

I am exhausted from teaching, from my internship, from being a grad student. Especially from teaching and taking an English theory class through frameworks I did not imagine I would be immersing myself in. Ever. I have been feeling the rigidity closing in on me, and it is quite frustrating. I have to grade many essays and peer reviews, and feel this large amount of responsibility to help these students, because I care way too much even though I am getting shit pay and am under-appreciated by the academic institution. I had no idea of how exploitative teaching could be until this semester. English teachers are responsible for so much, yet, they are mere peasants to the business-oriented academy. Students make you feel pressure to grade, and there is this invisible pointed elite man finger watching over you making sure you do what is necessary, or else you just internalize guilt and shame for thinking you are a shitty teacher. Teachers are like psychologists, except paid wayyyy less. Then, intersect the gender and race of a teacher and things can become more difficult.

I’m a Latinx gender-fluid “woman” and I know students notice my obvious identifiers that may make me “other-like,” and make judgments or conclusions of who I am. Based on these judgements, they may treat me according to how society depicts and treats Latinx women (i.e. loud, savagely sexual, lazy-ish, and crazy thanks to media stereotypes). Usually this results in less respect, which I see on an implicit level when the students dismiss me yelling for their attention. When I get mad at students, I find myself holding back a lot of anger sometimes because I really do not want them to think of me as a “fiesty, spicy, loca Latinx.” I have to try harder as a teacher and student all the time just to be respected as equally as men and white women. This skill is great and all, but wow is it tiring.