So a few weeks back, when I was doing an audio recording for my English theory autobiography, I came to this intense realization. My perfectionism (as discussed in a previous post) is tied to assimilation. I won’t go into how me, as a Boricua (aka Puerto Rican, Nuyorican), have assimilated into Western culture, but I will provide this link if you are interested: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/latinas-and-the-difficulty-to-fit-in/
Being a perfectionist means I am hard on myself when I don’t do things as perfectly as I think I could, especially for a Puerto Rican or Latinx. This means when I fall behind on things like grading, doing internship proposals, internship duties, etc., I feel like shit. However, I never realized that the main reason I feel like shit is because I think it is based on not being fully successful at assimilation. Falling behind, in a more abstract way, means I have not been fully “American-like,” and even though I am far from lazy, in this weird distorted way I feel like I am… because I set such high standards for myself. So where is this post going? Am I going onto an identity crisis rant? No. This relates to my teaching.
I am exhausted from teaching, from my internship, from being a grad student. Especially from teaching and taking an English theory class through frameworks I did not imagine I would be immersing myself in. Ever. I have been feeling the rigidity closing in on me, and it is quite frustrating. I have to grade many essays and peer reviews, and feel this large amount of responsibility to help these students, because I care way too much even though I am getting shit pay and am under-appreciated by the academic institution. I had no idea of how exploitative teaching could be until this semester. English teachers are responsible for so much, yet, they are mere peasants to the business-oriented academy. Students make you feel pressure to grade, and there is this invisible pointed elite man finger watching over you making sure you do what is necessary, or else you just internalize guilt and shame for thinking you are a shitty teacher. Teachers are like psychologists, except paid wayyyy less. Then, intersect the gender and race of a teacher and things can become more difficult.
I’m a Latinx gender-fluid “woman” and I know students notice my obvious identifiers that may make me “other-like,” and make judgments or conclusions of who I am. Based on these judgements, they may treat me according to how society depicts and treats Latinx women (i.e. loud, savagely sexual, lazy-ish, and crazy thanks to media stereotypes). Usually this results in less respect, which I see on an implicit level when the students dismiss me yelling for their attention. When I get mad at students, I find myself holding back a lot of anger sometimes because I really do not want them to think of me as a “fiesty, spicy, loca Latinx.” I have to try harder as a teacher and student all the time just to be respected as equally as men and white women. This skill is great and all, but wow is it tiring.