My clingy new boyfriend: Grading

 Posted by on Sat, 12/17 at 9:52pm  reflection, remedy  No Responses »
Dec 172016
 

It started off as a joke, something to annoy my mother – “I’ve got a new boyfriend who takes up all my time and is the reason why I can’t sleep at night”. And then it was real. I thought I had it all figured out, but it just didn’t seem to end! Grading took up all my time. I couldn’t focus effectively on my other courses and that bothered me. I tried making schedules, and I struggled to maintain them, yet I fell behind on my grading. If I found myself being lazy or too lenient with my grading, I’d stop and start later when I was more aware.

I thought it was just me being impotent and unproductive but, after speaking with people in the office, I realized that the struggle to manage time well is very common. “You just have to push yourself to do it” is the best advice I received. So, I guess, the best thing to do is continue making schedules and just force myself to maintain and (hopefully) stick to them.

“Keep me in your prayers”

 Posted by on Sat, 12/17 at 9:09pm  reflection  No Responses »
Dec 172016
 

For about two months now, one of my students kept updating me on her health issue. Two weeks ago, she was diagnosed with cancer.

You never know how to react or what to say when someone comes up to you and tells you they have cancer. She stayed back after class one day and told me she’d be missing the next class for a doctor’s appointment. They had discovered lumps and masses in her breasts and were required to do some more tests to assess the condition. “Oh” was all I could say. She’s only 18, for crying out loud. I told her to take care, and I hoped that it wouldn’t be malignant. She sent me an email that weekend telling me that the doctor’s visit went well, however, they needed to do a CT scan. An essay was due the next day. She sent her essay in time, right after the scan. It is remarkable how she tried (and managed) to send everything in the middle of hospital visits. The scan revealed more masses; they seemed to be spreading. She had to undergo surgery the week after. All this, she’d email me and say, “Keep me in your prayers”.

She’s a good kid. Humble, smart, got As in my class, and she’s really sweet. My heart broke when she told me that the tumors were malignant and that she’d have to get chemo now so she can’t make it for the final exam day. She asked for a hug because that was going to be the last day I would see her (it was the last day of college).

Even now, she sends me emails to keep me updated.

M.I.A. – well, until the last week of college, at least

 Posted by on Sat, 12/17 at 8:46pm  reflection  No Responses »
Dec 172016
 

It is finals’ week, I’ve got my students’ final grades in place, and now I’m facing the one thing I’ve been avoiding for two months now – the five students I must fail. I have five students in my class who decided to stop attending somewhere towards the beginning of October. I reached out to them: sent them emails, flagged them, and then, sent them more emails. But I received no response. It was difficult trying to keep up with them. Initially, I was willing to work with them (if they decided to come back) and help them get back on track. But they didn’t until the first week of December! Four of the five students met me during the last week, before the finals’ week, to try and make up for the entire semester that they missed! Imagine my frustration. One of them told me that if he didn’t get a C in this paper, his mother would send him to England to live with his “strict” grandfather. Note that this student had only turned in his Essay 1. Another student sent me a very long email, four days before the final grades are due, apologizing for disappearing and wondering if there was anything he could do to make up for it.

When talking to these students and trying to understand why they disappeared, I realized that the common theme was “I couldn’t handle it”. They had nervous breakdowns and difficult family situations and found no better way to deal with those issues. Yet, I had to apologize and explain how there was nothing I could do – “It’s too late”.

What am I supposed to do now? I still have to fail them, whether I’m aware of their issues or not, whether I believe them or not, whether I understand or no. Isn’t that a little frustrating?

A Broken Femur Manifesto

 Posted by on Tue, 11/29 at 6:27pm  reflection  No Responses »
Nov 292016
 

My femur bone was broken and dislocated in a bad car accident. I have never experienced such tremendous pain in my life. I have also never been in such a bad car accident. This is the oddest thing… as I was on the stretcher being wheeled into the emergency room, in an extreme amount of pain, and totally dazed by what was happening, I heard my student’s voices.

 

Earlier that day, I had been commenting on student papers for their Essay 4. So while I am being “escorted” into the white blinding light of the emergency room, where sadness and impatience looms, I heard all of these essays in my head, about recording moments, reminiscing on memories, the obsession people have with needing to “prove” moments happen by posting them on social media. It was this weird twilight moment kind of thing. I wondered if I could record this moment, this feeling, and I think I came to the conclusion that I could not. Well, I did not really come to a conclusion, its more like pain jolted me out of that thought and the next step was morphine.

 

While I was morphined up and in pain, waiting hours to be sent into surgery to have a titanium rod put into my femur bone, all of my responsibilities that were incomplete kept going through my head. Did I mention I was a perfectionist earlier on? I had a broken bone and I seemed to be more concerned with perfectionism.

The  next day or so, I sent an email to my students telling them what happened. I was devastated that I would no longer see them. I teared up when many of them sent me get well emails, reminding me of my shitty state. Another marginalization is added to my identity intersections; disability. I am not fully able-bodied now, although I will not always be this way. I will be this way for a while.

 

I have a whole new perspective on the privilege of walking. The privilege of standing in a classroom, walking back and forth while talking to students, I miss those moments greatly. I end the semester with a cyborg good-bye to all. It kinda hurts. But I shall continue on. And I am lucky the accident was not worse.

 

This seems to be more of a flow of consciousness than a manifesto, but whatevs. My proletarian spirit will continue to thrive, even with my current femur disability. 

“Coming Out? Or Staying In?”: Negotiating LGBT+ Identity in the Classroom

 Posted by on Tue, 11/22 at 6:32pm  reflection  No Responses »
Nov 222016
 

As a Bisexual/Pansexual Queer person, who is part of the LGBT+ spectrum, I find it difficult to “come out” in the classroom, whether it be to my own students or to my fellow graduate colleagues. I think anyone who is part of the LGBT+ spectrum, particularly trans people (because of the lack of understanding people have of gender identity and its flexibility), have a difficult time with this, especially knowing how much discrimination and judgement LGBT endure throughout their lives. Just recently this terrible republican white guy is trying to pass a law that would allow employers, aka “government contractors,” to discriminate against LGBT+ people on the basis of “religious freedom.” Right, so it is totally a part of your freedom if you choose to fuck up other people’s lives. Cool.

I do think in some ways, it is easier for a Lesbian or Gay person to come out in the classroom and/or to other colleagues. This is because compared to a Bi person like myself, it is a monosexual identity. Monosexual means liking one or the other. I like people based on if we vibe well, not their body parts or gender identity. But for some people, a Bisexual identity is “confusing” or “not real.” It is “greedy” or a “phase.” I can assure you as a Bi person that this shit is all false. I am real and no I am not confused. A Monosexual identity, such as being hetero, lesbian, or gay, is not too “confusing,” at least to people who are not severely homophobic. This is what makes coming out in the classroom, as a Bi person, difficult.

As a teacher, I think of how students knowing my sexual orientation would hinder my ability as a facilitator in their writing. This is because some students may sexualize me, based on all the stereotypes of Bi-woman as slutty threesome porn-star people. Whether or not I am slutty or have had threesomes, the point is that I do not want students to have this notion of me. I think it would lead to a sort of disrespect unfortunately. Furthermore, if there are students who think all of the typical stereotypes of Bi people (that I mentioned earlier), this may discredit me as an instructor. I am already a radical gender-fluid woman Latinx young person, so I am already dealing with identity intersections that may marginalize  me in certain aspects. Adding Bisexual to it may not help.

As a student, no opportunities have really risen for me to talk about my Bisexual identity (in the English department). I mean there have been a few instances where other LGBT+ people have spoken about sexual orientation, but for some reason I find it difficult to fit in my own perspective as a Bi person. I feel like before I can even explain something, as a Bi person, I first have to abolish all the possible stereotypes people may have, which is not very encouraging. What makes this more difficult, is that as a Poly person (based on more than sexual needs, meaning actual love and emotion towards more than one person), I “fit in” to the stereotype of what people think about Bi people; which is that they are not monogamous, even though there are Bi people who are monogamous. So yeah, it is kinda complicated.

I think as a whole it is difficult for any LGBT+ person to share their identity in the classroom, for fear of how students will react. And as a teacher, it would be shitty to be faced with all of that negative energy when trying to teach. Unfortunately, the problem is that many people assume everyone is hetero by default. Which is such a skewed perception to have.

The lingering question is, How do I negotiate this? Well, basically as I implied earlier, I do not talk about my sexual orientation as a Bi person. I would rather not deal with ignorant shit being thrown my way. However, I have talked about bisexuality at one point, in one of my two classes. I have also talked here and there about LGBT+ rights and discrimination, and, I will be talking about the media photos of the Orlando massacre next week. While I do not talk about bisexuality specifically, I do include LGBT+ perspectives. Maybe one day there will be less of a stigma for people who are not hetero or monosexual to come out. But until then, I am “staying in” when it comes to being a teacher in the classroom.

Ranting about, well, a psychic distance issue.

 Posted by on Sat, 11/19 at 3:42pm  reflection  No Responses »
Nov 192016
 

I’ve been thinking about a student. I have him pegged now, even more so than when he made clear exactly what kind of person he was. I know why he moved down to South Florida and I know exactly what he means when he says he’s “turning over a new leaf” and it doesn’t mean much more than “I think this exactly what you want to hear,” and he isn’t following through. And there’s no new leaf and there’s no fucking work coming from him. And he’s irked me from the beginning. He parrots everything I say and he tries to sound smart and he reminds me of someone who I can no longer in good conscience speak to.

And that’s the nugget of it. I did not expect to see aspects of my struggles so crystallized in my students. It’s nauseating to see how people are in so many ways the same everywhere and it’s refreshing and sometimes both at once. I see in this student where my friend, who is my age, is probably heading. To the rude and stunted emotional level he was always so critical of. I can teach this student, however, and not my friend. They are separate people and while my student may be exactly as I first pegged him, I don’t have any history earlier than August with this guy. No past revels or conflicts.

This student and I as well, seem to share degrees of the same weakness: unfulfilled or empty promises. I have had time to learn this and to begin correcting the pattern. I know it’s procrastination, largely. A displeasing mirror, another crystallized problem. And there is no way or need for me to do anything about this young man and this doesn’t mean anyone is out of time or luck. It doesn’t mean anything about me as a person, student, or teacher. I have my barrier, my professional degree of emotional remove, and I work to keep it on the mellow side. I expect to have many similar students, those who act like they can’t get their shit together, and I’ll probably feel like one of them a lot and it might make me more fit to teach them.

The soon to be *~eXpLoSiOn~* of My Mind

 Posted by on Fri, 10/28 at 5:39pm  reflection  1 Response »
Oct 282016
 

So this is a vent about the limitations I face in the English department, particularly being a Feminist of Color aka Feminist Puerto Rican. All of my posts address these topics, although not in a necessarily direct manner. Since the English department is full of mostly white graduate students, I’ve noticed whenever I bring up any conversation on race in English theory class, it is mostly, if not always, met with silence. It really bothers me, specifically because it shows the dismissal and/or avoidance of discomfort. Coming from the WGSS department, and being in classes where discomfort is faced rather than avoided, this is really really strange to me. Not only is this strange, it makes me feel like this marginal voice that no one even wants to try to understand. However, the purpose of sharing my thoughts, that are always related to class articles and topics, are to bring awareness and discomfort; because truth is discomfort. Truth is most of the time, is not a positive experience, especially if it brings true change.

I think about how I am probably one of the very few *Feminist of Color* Writing teachers that talks about racism and homophobia. I tie these thoughts and ideas and true experiences, into class readings, responses, free writes, etc. I think how the students in my classes, especially those of Color, will not have anything like this experience in their other English classes. And it really makes me sad. It makes me sad that their personal forms of expressions relating to gender, race, or sexuality may be silenced. Why is this not more important in these writing classes?

Most, if not all of my students, wrote in their midterm reflections how they really enjoy their freedom of expression in the class, as well as the inclusion of uncomfortable topics. Why else are we in the academy if we cannot face the challenge of discomfort? Complacency and comfort is not enough. Sometimes I feel this boiling point being reached when grad students (or anyone) say these racist comments/thoughts, and then, the conversation moves on very quickly. Too quickly. When I hear a grad student mocking a southern African American’s dialect, it reeeallllly peeves me. Its like this itch that I want to scratch, but I can only scratch it for a little bit, and accept the lingering itch. There would have to be multiple classes that focus on implicit racism embedded in  language and consciousness, that obviously is not going to happen, unless anyone ventures over to the WGSS department. The good thing is, whenever a student says something prejudice in their writing or in class, I can immediately point it out because I am “the teacher.” I think it is a great that I am in a position where I can bring such awareness to fellow students.

What is helping me for now, is speaking my thoughts despite those who want to silence them. I guess you can say I have a wild tongue.

anzaldua-wild-tongue-quote

 

Students comments about degree inflation and maybe confetti

 Posted by on Sun, 10/23 at 8:43pm  reflection  No Responses »
Oct 232016
 

During the first two essays they had to consider what a college education is or should be and what it is worth. They all said that if more people had diplomas, a college education wouldn’t be worth as much. And now I think, why shouldn’t we just make a Masters degree worth more. (Bachelors as well but us first, please.)

This isn’t just doing more in the field while in a program. I mean the aims, the goals, and the difficulty of achieving them. I should present at conferences and submit for publications as much as I want. Sure. That kind of stuff, superficially, is a pursuit of experience and renown. Super. Is that a part of the graduate school experience that most people know exists?

What I mean, people, what I’m talking about, is understanding. I can’t say completing some form of higher education deserves more respect, but it should be worth respecting. I just don’t know we can make that happen.

It’s possible we could use our time as teachers to talk about the worth of our degrees. Personal anecdote seems just as good a route as praising the Masters and Doctors we respect greatly, or as conveying an air of respect that translates and outside academe. Maybe it’s a bit much to say that we are all seen as having done a good deed by getting our Bachelors degrees, but it was more than monetarily valuable. If there’s social pressure to “get a degree” in order to “start a career” then it’s a plus to at least have a degree. We are a different sort of contribution to society’s intellect: we try to bring reason and variety, merriment between chaos and order in the storm. We’re sensible.

I remember the contempt with which my stepmother, my very successful stepmother, spoke of her MA in English. Or whatever degree it was. It hurt to hear it days before I (effectively) got my BA in English, which I had begun to feel proud about. But she was expressing a real concern and I tried my best in the moment to appreciate it. The prestige and opportunities granted by a college degree weren’t there like they were.

“Aren’t as many trees in the stupid forest now that they started making paper. Damn it all.” That’s really what I make of that argument about degree inflation. I’ll throw it at my students tomorrow while talking about the way context can make the same exact sentence very different.

I Put Too Much Food On My Plate and Now I Can’t Finish My Dinner

 Posted by on Wed, 10/19 at 12:10pm  reflection, remedy  1 Response »
Oct 192016
 

Do you ever sign up for something and think I immediately regret this decision? Have you every done that to yourself constantly throughout a semester-long period?

I have signed myself up for so many things and scheduled them all so close together that I have no room to breath at all. This week alone I have all my conferences (which obviously involves grading all the essay twos that I put off until now), I have my academic literacy autobiography due on Friday, I have a conference that I have to present at in Gainesville at the end of the week (of course I have yet to write my paper for that), and on top of all this I have to read Derrida’s Of Grammatology at some point.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation and are looking for a quick and easy fix then I have the solution for you: love yourself.

Out of that entire list of issues, there is not one problem that I did not create. And the solution to these is much simpler than not applying to graduate school in the first place. I could have easily graded the essay twos ages ago, which would make my conferences so easy and probably even a little fun. I’ve known about this literacy journal for some time, and it is not a long and arduous assignment. I should have written my conference paper about a month ago. I suppose Derrida is just going to be Derrida, and that is unavoidable, but without the other issues it would probably be less stress.

Now that I lived through this horrible situation will I learn from my mistakes and grow as a person? No, probably not. Every procrastinator lives through this endless cycle of putting everything off but somehow pulling out of situation perfectly fine and thinking “I would rather deal with that paper later and have 30 more minutes to watch my stories now!” So this situation is inevitably going to reoccur, and when it does I will probably complain and blame the world for the problems I created once more, but the solution still remains the same: if you’re thinking of procrastinating, just don’t.

The inevitable exhaustion of a GTA Boricua consciousness

 Posted by on Wed, 10/12 at 6:37pm  reflection  No Responses »
Oct 122016
 

So a few weeks back, when I was doing an audio recording for my English theory autobiography, I came to this intense realization. My perfectionism (as discussed in a previous post) is tied to assimilation. I won’t go into how me, as a Boricua (aka Puerto Rican, Nuyorican), have assimilated into Western culture, but I will provide this link if you are interested: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/latinas-and-the-difficulty-to-fit-in/

 

Being a perfectionist means I am hard on myself when I don’t do things as perfectly as I think I could, especially for a Puerto Rican or Latinx. This means when I fall behind on things like grading, doing internship proposals, internship duties, etc., I feel like shit. However, I never realized that the main reason I feel like shit is because I think it is based on not being fully successful at assimilation. Falling behind, in a more abstract way, means I have not been fully “American-like,” and even though I am far from lazy, in this weird distorted way I feel like I am… because I set such high standards for myself. So where is this post going? Am I going onto an identity crisis rant? No. This relates to my teaching.

I am exhausted from teaching, from my internship, from being a grad student. Especially from teaching and taking an English theory class through frameworks I did not imagine I would be immersing myself in. Ever. I have been feeling the rigidity closing in on me, and it is quite frustrating. I have to grade many essays and peer reviews, and feel this large amount of responsibility to help these students, because I care way too much even though I am getting shit pay and am under-appreciated by the academic institution. I had no idea of how exploitative teaching could be until this semester. English teachers are responsible for so much, yet, they are mere peasants to the business-oriented academy. Students make you feel pressure to grade, and there is this invisible pointed elite man finger watching over you making sure you do what is necessary, or else you just internalize guilt and shame for thinking you are a shitty teacher. Teachers are like psychologists, except paid wayyyy less. Then, intersect the gender and race of a teacher and things can become more difficult.

I’m a Latinx gender-fluid “woman” and I know students notice my obvious identifiers that may make me “other-like,” and make judgments or conclusions of who I am. Based on these judgements, they may treat me according to how society depicts and treats Latinx women (i.e. loud, savagely sexual, lazy-ish, and crazy thanks to media stereotypes). Usually this results in less respect, which I see on an implicit level when the students dismiss me yelling for their attention. When I get mad at students, I find myself holding back a lot of anger sometimes because I really do not want them to think of me as a “fiesty, spicy, loca Latinx.” I have to try harder as a teacher and student all the time just to be respected as equally as men and white women. This skill is great and all, but wow is it tiring.

 

 

 Older Entries