As of lately I have been kind of overwhelmed. I’m in my last semester of grad school, doing an internship, teaching, and doing a side business, and more. I am a juggler. So, when I start to fall behind on grading papers and my own course work, this little perfectionist voice in my head starts to make me feel bad. This is worsened when inconsiderate students keep asking me every class when I am going to be giving them their peer reviews back. I did tell the student that I would have it done soon, just to get her off my back. Every time she reminds me that I have not had the time to grade the peer review assignment (only 2 times so far), I feel bad. I feel bad because I feel as if it is a reminder that I am slacking on my perfectionism. But at the same time, I’m also like… fuck that, you are not my boss, and I have a million things going on. I don’t actually say “fuck that” to her, just to make that clear. But I think it. I also say “fuck that” because I already know I’m super exploited by the academy in some/a lot of ways, therefore, I should not feel bad if I cannot always be exactly on time with giving assignments back. Plus, I did give them their Essay 1 comments on time, and that is pretty much the most important thing.

So if it was not already clear, “fuck that” is my rebellion, and feeling bad for not being super awesome every second is my perfectionism. I live in the in-between, in the contradictions, and I have been reflecting on this within the past 2 weeks. I think the perfectionist voice is what I would call the “capitalist consciousness,” that is planted there at an early age in people’s lives (particularly in this Western society). Anyway, I have to resist it and rebel in the ways I can. I will get the peer reviews graded, as I have been doing with all the other assignments, and I will complete my late course work (and hopefully still get credit). Either way, I am graduating in December, so yayyyy! And I just passed my comps for my MA degree in Gender & Sexuality studies. Overall I think teaching English classes is going well, even if I’m not perfect. I will continue to revel in contradictions.