I’ve been thinking about a student. I have him pegged now, even more so than when he made clear exactly what kind of person he was. I know why he moved down to South Florida and I know exactly what he means when he says he’s “turning over a new leaf” and it doesn’t mean much more than “I think this exactly what you want to hear,” and he isn’t following through. And there’s no new leaf and there’s no fucking work coming from him. And he’s irked me from the beginning. He parrots everything I say and he tries to sound smart and he reminds me of someone who I can no longer in good conscience speak to.
And that’s the nugget of it. I did not expect to see aspects of my struggles so crystallized in my students. It’s nauseating to see how people are in so many ways the same everywhere and it’s refreshing and sometimes both at once. I see in this student where my friend, who is my age, is probably heading. To the rude and stunted emotional level he was always so critical of. I can teach this student, however, and not my friend. They are separate people and while my student may be exactly as I first pegged him, I don’t have any history earlier than August with this guy. No past revels or conflicts.
This student and I as well, seem to share degrees of the same weakness: unfulfilled or empty promises. I have had time to learn this and to begin correcting the pattern. I know it’s procrastination, largely. A displeasing mirror, another crystallized problem. And there is no way or need for me to do anything about this young man and this doesn’t mean anyone is out of time or luck. It doesn’t mean anything about me as a person, student, or teacher. I have my barrier, my professional degree of emotional remove, and I work to keep it on the mellow side. I expect to have many similar students, those who act like they can’t get their shit together, and I’ll probably feel like one of them a lot and it might make me more fit to teach them.