Conciseness

PROFESSIONAL WRITING STYLE

During the semester, this course material will present various strategies to improve the readability and clarity of your professional writing, loosely organized around achieving those objectives — clarity, concision, correctness, and courteousness. You’ve already read about courteousness (you-atttitude, reader-centered writing, courteous genre conventions, etc.), and in the future, you’ll read about clarity and correctness.

Today, it’s all about being concise.

Conciseness

Conciseness means getting rid of every word that serves no function. Concise writing:

• gets to the point,
• avoids unnecessary repetition and wordy expressions,
• Includes only relevant facts (with courtesy), and
• uses everyday, conversational speech.

A concise message saves time and expense for both sender and receiver. Avoiding wordiness means using the fewest number of words possible to express your ideas. The benefits of being concise are

• the reader can see your main ideas easily the first time,
• your main points stand out, and
• it saves time, effort, and money.

Conciseness in professional writing style doesn’t mean simply reducing the number of words or making a document shorter. It means eliminating unnecessary words. Words are unnecessary if they don’t contribute to your meaning, appeal to your audience (using a reader-centered approach), or help you accomplish your purpose.

You’ll have to make conscious decisions about which words, details, and ideas are necessary (useful, beneficial, and rhetorical) and which are unnecessary (canned, counterproductive, and careless). Consider the sentences below.

If you bought tickets to an event, what would you want to know? Which sentence would you prefer? Although the first sentence is shorter, the second includes information the reader is likely to want.

For that reason, while this course material will focus on guidelines for concise writing, it’s your responsibility to decide whether individual sentences break and “rules,” whether information is important to the audience and your purpose, and ultimately, whether or not to revise to make those sentences more concise.

Be meticulous. Examine every word and phrase, and make conscious rhetorical decisions about writing, revision, and editing.

10 Conciseness Strategies:

Writers sometimes clog up their prose with one or more extra words or phrases that seem to determine narrowly or to modify the meaning of a noun but don’t actually add to the meaning of the sentence. Although such words and phrases can be meaningful in the appropriate context, they are often used as “filler” and can easily be eliminated.

Avoid these common fillers: kind of, sort of, type of, really, basically, definitely, actually, generally…

Circumlocution is using a phrase to convey meaning that could be presented in a single word. They are often roundabout expressions that take several words to say what could be said more succinctly. We often overlook them because many such expressions are habitual figures of speech. In writing, though, they should be avoided since they add extra words without extra meaning. Of course, occasionally you may for rhetorical effect decide to use, say, an expletive construction instead of a more succinct expression.

In general and when possible, to avoid wordiness, convert phrases into single words.

Effective business writing avoids bureaucratic language and phrases that are the hallmark of decoration. Decoration is a reflection of ritual, and ritual has its role. If you are the student body president and want to make a resolution declaring October 15th “FAU Founder’s Day” in honor of Tom Fleming, you might the declaration with “Whereas” because of the document’s ritual importance. Similarly, if you are writing a legal document, tradition calls for certain standard phrases such as “know all men by these presents.”

However, in standard business writing, it is best to refrain from using bureaucratic phrases and ritualistic words that decorate and distract the reader from your clear, essential meaning. If the customer, client, or supplier does not understand the message the first time, each follow-up attempt to clarify costs time, money, and effort.

Sentence & Clause Starters

Avoid weak sentence starters it + be-verb (it is, it was, it will/would be) and there + be-verb (there is, there was, there were, there will/would be) In most cases, you can create a more concise sentence by replacing weak sentence starters with the subject of the sentence.

Sometimes there is/there are can be effective for emphasis in some situations, but don’t overuse them. Take the following example: “It is imperative that we find a solution.” The same meaning could be expressed with this more succinct wording: “We must find a solution.” But using the expletive construction allows the writer to emphasize the urgency of the situation by placing the word imperative near the beginning of the sentence, so the version with the expletive may be preferable.

Canned Correspondence Starters

Get rid of redundant and unnecessary correspondence starters that writers often use in the introductions of their letters, emails, and memos.

In negative situations or contexts where you need to demphasize responsibility or otherwise employ a reader-centered approach to communication, use passive voice. In positive or neutral situations, generally, you should aim to write in active voice.

In the active voice, the subject of the sentence acts upon something or someone. In the passive voice, the subject is acted upon. Active voice is more direct, easier to understand, and more concise. For more information, see Purdue University’s Active and Passive Voice handout.

Usually, active voice is more engaging. Which sentence sounds better to you?

1. Mackenzie processes all sales orders daily.
2. All sales orders are processed daily by Mackenzie.

Most readers prefer sentence A, but why? You’ll recall that all sentences have a subject and a verb, but you may not have paid much attention to their functions. Let’s look at how the subject and verb function in these two sentences. In sentence A, the subject is “Mackenzie,” and the subject is the doer of the action expressed by the verb (“processes”). Sentence A is written in active voice—a sentence structure in which the subject carries out the action.

In sentence B, the subject is “sales orders,” and the subject is the receiver of the action expressed by the verb (“are processed”). Sentence B is written in passive voice—a sentence structure in which the subject receives the action.

Active sentences tend to be shorter, more precise, and easier to understand. This is especially true because passive sentences can be written in ways that do not tell the reader who the doer of the action is. For example, “All sales orders are processed daily” is a complete and correct sentence in passive voice.

Active voice is the clear choice for a variety of contexts, but not all. When you want to deemphasize the doer of the action, you may write, “Ten late arrivals were recorded this month” and not even mention who was late. The passive form doesn’t place blame or credit, so it can be more diplomatic in some contexts. Passive voice allows the writer to avoid personal references or personal pronouns (he, she, they) to create a more objective tone. There are also situations where the doer of the action is unknown, as in “graffiti was painted on the side of our building last night.”

Business communication resources tend to recommend active voice as the preferred style. Still, the styles themselves are not the problem or challenge, but it is how we use them that matters. A skilled business writer will see both styles as options within a range of choices and learn to distinguish when each style is most appropriate to facilitate communication.

CONCISENESS STRATEGY #6

Avoid Nouning

use verbs; not nouns

To write clearer, more concise sentences, when possible, use verbs instead of nouns.

In other words, avoid “nouning” (sometimes called verbal nouns, gerunds, nominalizations).

Helen Sword calls them “Zombie Nouns” in a piece for the New York Times:

Take an adjective (implacable) or a verb (calibrate) or even another noun (crony) and add a suffix like ity, tion or ism. You’ve created a new noun: implacability, calibration, cronyism. Sounds impressive, right? Nouns formed from other parts of speech are called nominalizations. Academics love them; so do lawyers, bureaucrats and business writers. I call them “zombie nouns” because they cannibalize active verbs, suck the lifeblood from adjectives and substitute abstract entities for human beings:

The proliferation of nominalizations in a discursive formation may be an indication of a tendency toward pomposity and abstraction.

The sentence above contains no fewer than seven nominalizations, each formed from a verb or an adjective. Yet it fails to tell us who is doing what. When we eliminate or reanimate most of the zombie nouns (tendency becomes tend, abstraction becomes abstract) and add a human subject and some active verbs, the sentence springs back to life:

Writers who overload their sentences with nominalizations tend to sound pompous and abstract.

Only one zombie noun – the key word nominalizations – has been allowed to remain standing.

Business writing should be clear and concise, but nouning usually obscures meaning by converting verbs into nouns with the addition of suffixes like: -ant,-ent, -ion, -tion, -sion, -ence, -ance, and ing. Instead of hiding meaning within the phrase “through the consolidation of,”(who or what is doing the consolidation?) consider whether to use the verb forms “consolidated” or “consolidating.” Similarly, instead of “the inclusion of,” consider using “including,” to make the sentence clearer, more active, and vigorous.

WORDY	CONCISE
Sam did research on the issue last year.	Sam researched the issue last year.
The function of this department is the collection of accounts.	This department collects accounts.
The current focus of the medical profession is disease prevention.	The medical profession currently focuses on disease prevention.
You must perform an assessment of the policy.	You must assess the policy.
I will give the manger a briefing.	I will brief the new manager.
They made a visit to the main office and had a meeting with the manger.	They visited the main office and met with the manager.
We must conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine.	We must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.

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CONCISENESS STRATEGY #7

Avoid Weak Verbs (Use Action/Active Verbs)

subject does; not subject is

Verbs tell what a person is or does. Don’t turn “does” action verbs into “is” be-verbs: be, being, been, am, is, was, and were. Action verbs energize a sentence without adding clutter.

WORDY	CONCISE
Jones is opposed to the procedure.	Jones opposes the procedure.
We are in agreement.	We agree.
Our decision is dependent on accurate info.	Our decision depends on accurate info.

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CONCISENESS STRATEGY #8

Avoid Explaining the Obvious and Excess Detail

Sentences with obvious detail are wordy and insulting.

Sentences with obvious detail are wordy and insulting. Notice how this 15-word sentence can be cut to a clearer sentence of just 4 words:

I will be graduating at the end of the fall semester of the year 2018. (15 words)
I will be graduating	at the end	of the fall semester	of the year 2018
delete future tense since “graduate” is a future action	no one graduates at the start of a semester	we know fall is a “semester”	we know 2018 is a “year”
I graduate fall 2018. (4 words)

If you find phrases and sentences that explain what is obvious to the reader, delete or reword them.

WORDY	CONCISE
As I just mentioned, Barklay’s carries eight kinds of cooking oils.	(delete. as you said, you just mentioned this info)
She gave me a warm and friendly smile.	She gave me a friendly smile.
	She smiled warmly at me.
Please feel free to call us.	Please call us.

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CONCISENESS STRATEGY #9

Avoid Repetition (and Redundancy!)

Writing is redundant when it repeats or presents no useful info.

Look at these examples:

He shrugged his shoulders (you can only “shrug” shoulders)

The mayor sent me a free complementary ticket. (both mean “free”)

The vase dropped down. (“drop” means downward – you can’t drop “up”)

WORDY	CONCISE
Please send your findings and conclusions by Friday.	Please send your findings by Friday. (“findings” and “conclusions” mean the same thing)
The supervisor must approve the revised changes.	The supervisor must approve the revisions.
	The supervisor must approve the changes. (“revised” means changes.)
During that time period, many car buyers preferred cars that were pink in color and shiny in appearance.	During that period, many car buyers preferred pink, shiny cars.
The microscope revealed a group of organisms that were round in shape and peculiar in nature.	The microscope revealed a group of peculiar, round organisms.

Redundant Pairs

PLEONASM [plē′ə-năz′əm]

Pleonasm (from Greek pleon meaning “more, too much”) is the use of more words or parts of words than is necessary for clear expression: examples are black darkness, or burning fire, or A malignant cancer is a pleonasm for a neoplasm. (Wikipedia)

Many pairs of words imply each other. Finish implies complete, so the phrase completely finish is redundant in most cases. So are many other pairs of words:

past memories	advanced planning	various differences
final outcome	true facts	terrible tragedy
free gift	past history	unexpected surprise
sudden crisis	collect together	personal opinion
contributing factor	perfectly clear	absolutely essential
basic fundamentals	end result	joint cooperation
completely eliminate	exact same	advance notice

Redundant Categories

Specific words imply their general categories, so we usually don’t have to state both. We know that a period is a segment of time, that pink is a color, that shiny is an appearance. In each of the following phrases, the general category term can be dropped, leaving just the specific descriptive word:

large in size	often times	of a bright color	in a confused state	heavy in weight
period in time	round in shape	at an early time	extreme in degree	unusual in nature
many in number	of cheap quality	honest in character	at a late hour	of uncertain condition

Other Redundancies

WORDY / REDUNDANT	MORE CONCISE
Registration opens in the month of August.	Registration opens in August
Appointments are available between the hours of 9am and 4pm.	Appointments are available between 9am and 4pm.
Pick up your order any time between noon and 5pm.	Pick up your order between noon and 5pm.
You may use homework passes between the days of May 1 and May 15.	You may use homework passes from May 1 – 15.
You all must apply by Jan 1.	You must apply by Jan 1.
	Everyone must apply by Jan 1.

Avoid Correspondence Redundancy

It’s almost always redundant to begin professional correspondence with “My name is…” or “I’m the [ role/title ] at [ organization ]…” Please see canned correspondence starters for examples of common correspondence redundancy.

There’s no need to introduce yourself—your name, role, or organization at the beginning of your correspondence because that information (your name, role or title, and organization) should go in the signature block of letters and emails or in the heading of memos.

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CONCISENESS STRATEGY #10

Write Simple One-Word Verbs (When Possible)

write in the present tense (avoiding will and would); avoid participles and modals if you can express yourself in simple tense

WORDY	CONCISE
When I was a child, I would go to the movies with my brother every Tuesday.	I went to the movies with my brother every Tuesday.
A good writer should choose words carefully.	A good writer chooses words carefully.
Effective writers must be polite. They will try to return messages quickly.	Effective writers are polite. They return messages quickly.
Kate will be bringing the birthday cake.	Kate is bringing the birthday cake. (OR) Kate will bring the birthday cake.
Tyler will be needing help with his math homework.	Tyler needs help with his math homework.
I would be grateful for your support.	I am grateful for your support (OR) Thank you for your support.

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CONCISENESS STRATEGY #11

Use Fewer Words & Fewer Syllables

in general, use fewer words with fewer syllables; avoid long, complex, and/or less familiar words and instead, use short, simple, common language

INSTEAD OF	REVISE TO
demonstrate	show
endeavor	effort, try,
is contingent upon	depends on
subsequent to	after
utilize	use
the majority of	most
in close proximity	depends on
is contingent upon	near
expenditure	price, cost, expense
as well as	and
in addition to	and
regarding; in regards to	about
inquiry; enquiry	question

More on Conciseness in Professional Writing

• Wordiness & Redundancy, from David McMurrey, Professor and Coordinator of the Business & Technical Communications Program at Austin Community College
• Conciseness: Three Practices, from Malcolm Gibson, Journalist and Professor at Kansas University
• Revising Sentences for Conciseness, from R. Rambo, English Instructor at Illinois Valley Community College

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Sample Sentence Revisions for Conciseness

Hover for sample sentence revision.

EX1. Some sort of identification that would prove I was an FAU student was requested of me by the woman who sells tickets to exhibitions at the Ritter Art Gallery.

REVISION

The Ritter Art Gallery clerk asked to see my FAU student ID.

EX2. There is no one who is better qualified to lead the project than you.

REVISION

You are best qualified to lead the project.

EX3. Our office lunch order was called in by Annie Smith who is our company’s on-site qualified specialist in nutrition.

REVISION

Annie Smith, our company’s nutritionist, called in our lunch order.

EX4. Many factors are considerations in my decision to assign extra homework that students are required to complete outside of class.

REVISION

I consider many factors before assigning extra homework.

EX5. We provide assistance to high school senior students in the process of reaching a decision about where to submit applications for admission to various post-secondary institutions.

REVISION

We help seniors decide where to submit college applications.

Portions of this course material are adapted from and supplemented with materials licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 3.0 and materials available under 1996 Fair Use Guidelines for Educational Multimedia courtesy of Andy Schmitz’s Creative Commons Book Archive and the University of Hawai’i.