BCP Notes, Warnings, Tips, Talk-Throughs
I revise, update, and expand this page as I review drafts, as I think of things, and as I respond to questions. For that reason, consider this page as always in progress.
Also, it won’t be as polished or professional looking as the other course notes pages. There will be typos, unfinished thoughts, etc.
I’ll do my best to keep things organized, but no promises. I’m writing this course material “to order,” and I’m doing the best I can.
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Positive / All Scenarios + General Issues / Extras
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Negative Scenarios
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Persuasive Scenarios
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Positive / All Scenarios
Issue: Rewriting the Scenario Text
I’m seeing too many drafts where it appears the student basically rewrote the scenario text (or parts of the scenario text) in letter, memo, or email format, including all (or almost all) of the details in the same order the scenario presents them, with just some rephrasing, editing, and minor changes.
You can’t just rewrite the scenario text in your own words, slap an email header or signature on it, and then submit it as one of your correspondence texts.
Why Not?
The scenario texts are a mess. They’re terrible! They’re poorly written, disorganized, and contain unnecessary information (some give unneeded context, a few are rude, etc.)
The scenario texts are poorly written on purpose. Your job (and an objective of this project) is to understand the scenario, figure out the purpose and audience, and write correspondence that is most likely to appeal to the audience and accomplish the purpose.
In other words, don’t rewrite the scenario text. Instead, use the scenario text to determine the elements of the rhetorical situation, most importantly, your purpose for writing.
Issue: Not Using a Rhetorical Approach
To do well on the BCP project, you must take a rhetorical approach, apply your knowledge of correspondence genres and correspondence contexts, and demonstrate skill in professional writing style.
Breakdown!
Issue: Inconsistent Audience (and Writer) Reference
How will you refer to the audience?
Before you write, if you’re addressing the audience in some way, decide how you will refer to them. Will you refer to them as “you” (singular), “you” (plural), as “we” (if you and the audience share membership in a group), as the name of a group or classification (such as “students” or “employees”).
How you refer to the audience may depend on the context. Generally, you can/should refer to the audience as “you” in positive/neutral/informational and persuasive contexts. However, in negative contexts, you should avoid “you” if it criticizes the reader or singles them out in an unwanted way.
In persuasive contexts and informational contexts (especially if you’re communicating information about policies or procedures), you may consider referring to the audience as “we” (if applicable). Using “we” may show shared responsibility in procedural or policy contexts and may show belonging in persuasive contexts.
After you decide on how to address the audience, be consistent throughout the correspondence.
If you refer to the audience as “you,” then every instance in the correspondence should also refer to the audience as “you.”
Do not, for example, refer to the audience as “you” in one paragraph, “we” in the next paragraph, and “employees” in the last paragraph.
If applicable, how will you refer to yourself/your organization?
In situations where it makes sense, your writer’s position may be on behalf of the organization. In these cases, decide whether you’ll refer to the speaker* as “we” or as the organization.
*“the speaker” in situations where you’re writing on behalf of some larger entity; when you write on behalf of FAU, FAU is the speaker.
In situations where you want to show some solidarity, shared membership, etc., consider strategic use of “we.”
In situations where you want to establish some distance, consider strategic use of the organization’s name or other voice (such as “administration,” “management,” or “human resources”).
Regardless, be consistent in how you refer to the speaker. If you refer to yourself/the writer/the speaker as “we,” then every other instance in the correspondence should also refer to yourself/the writer/the speak as “we.” If you refer to yourself/the writer/the speaker as “[the organization],” then every other instance in the correspondence should also refer to yourself/the writer/the speak as “[the organization].”
Do not, for example, refer to the speaker as “we” in one paragraph, and “[the organization]” in another paragraph.
Bulleted & Numbered Lists
When you have a list of items, guidelines, actions, steps, procedures, rules, etc., consider writing them as a bulleted or numbered list. Before writing a list, you should know the contexts and guidelines for each. According to Suzan Last in Technical Writing Essentials:
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Bulleted Lists Bullet lists are the most commonly used kind of list. They are effective when
Bullet list items should generally be short (a word or a phrase). If you find your bulleted items are longer than this, consider using another kind of list, such as a labeled list or a nested list. |
Numbered Lists
Use numbered lists when the order of the listed items is important and ideas must be expressed in chronological order. For example, use a numbered list when you must enumerate a series of steps in instructions, or when you are introducing ideas that will be discussed in a certain order in the following text. If you have a list of more than 8 items, consider breaking up the list in two or more stages or categories (Steps in Stage 1, Steps in Stage 2, etc.).
Bulleted Lists
In general, if you’re writing out a list of items, consider writing them as… well… as a list.
| GOOD LIST | BAD LIST |
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This is a good bulleted list because there are more than two items, and each item requires a phrase to explain. Separating the items makes them easier to read/understand.
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This is a bad bulleted list. Because each item is a single word, the items can be written into a sentence instead of bulleted.
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Consider using a bulleted list when
- when you have three or more items that require one, two, or three phrases each
- when you have more than 7(?) items that are one or two words each
- when you have multiple short lists (each of two or three items)
Don’t use a bulleted list when
- when your items require lots of sentences (consider some other formatting to chunk items and/or distinguish between items)
- when you have less than 7 items of one or two words each
Be sure your list items are parallel (regardless of whether your list items are in sentences, phrases, bullets, etc.).
Grammar Rules for Bulleted & Numbered Lists
If you’re using a dependent clause as the lead-in (or introduction) to your list, the lead-in and each list item should fit together grammatically—as a complete sentence.
INCORRECT
- use their FAU email address for all university-related correspondence
- students must ensure their laptops or desktop computers meet minimum technology requirements
- you must register your devices to use on the FAU wireless network
In the example above, the lead in and first bullet point make sense. When you put the lead-in and first bullet point text together, they make a grammatically correct sentence:
All university students must [ . . . ] use their FAU email address for all university-related correspondence[ . ]
However, the second and third bullet point texts do not make sense when combined with the lead-in:
All university students must [ . . . ] students must ensure their laptops or desktop computers meet minimum technology requirements[ . ]
All university students must [ . . . ] you must register your devices to use on the FAU wireless network[ . ]
CORRECT
- use their FAU email address for all university-related correspondence
- ensure their laptops or desktop computers meet minimum technology requirements
- register their devices to use on the FAU wireless network
In this corrected version, all of the bullet point texts fit with the lead in. Grammatically, they all make complete sentences.
All university students must [ . . . ] use their FAU email address for all university-related correspondence[ . ]
All university students must [ . . . ] ensure their laptops or desktop computers meet minimum technology requirements[ . ]
All university students must [ . . . ] register their devices to use on the FAU wireless network[ . ]
Issue: Forgetting Clarity & Conciseness
Part of the reason that this project requires so little finished writing (three correspondence texts, each no more than a page) but counts for such a big percentage of your final semester grade (30%), is that I want you to be meticulous about every word, phrase, and sentence.
(Asking you to scrutinize every word in a 15 page report is asking a lot, but asking you to scrutinize every word in less than three pages of writing is feasible—you’ve had more than enough time and opportunity to examine every single word.)
I’m seeing far too many drafts that seem like the writer just wrote a text—without a rhetorical approach, without thought or care, and certainly without careful proofreading/editing for clarity and conciseness. Too many of the drafts I’ve read are loaded with business-ese—canned phrases, unnecessarily big words, vague phrasing, and overblown prose.
For example, below are two sentences I’ve pulled from students’ drafts along with my exasperated commentary:
EXAMPLE SENTENCE #1
In no particular order, the issues I see in this sentence:
- it’s unclear—I had to read it a couple of times to grasp what it actually means
- there’s lots of unnecessary words that can just be edited out, e.g. We want to welcome you all in [J]oining us on this journey to make the air in our lovely city clean once again.
- there is nouning, which makes the sentence wordier than it needs to be, e.g. “make the air in our city clean” –> “clean the air”
- there’s an unnecessary preposition, e.g. “air in our city” –> “our city’s air”
- it’s not reader-centered. It’s easy to see it’s writer-centered (not reader-centered) because the sentence begins with “we.” Since this sentence isn’t negative (it’s not criticizing the reader or delivering bad news or unwanted info), it shouldn’t begin with “we” (beginning with “we” puts the focus on the writer instead of the reader).
- it’s got an unnecessary starter: “We want to…”. Instead of saying “We want to welcome you…” make the sentence more concise AND more reader-centered by saying “Welcome…”
- it’s got non-literal language: “journey.” I’m not sure whether “journey” in this context is an idiom or not, but I do know that it’s not literal. Improving air quality in a city isn’t a journey (the literal meaning of journey is “an act of traveling from one place to another”1).
So, putting it all together, let’s look at the original example sentence, and a clearer, more concise, more reader-centered revision:
INSTEAD OF
REVISE TO
EXAMPLE SENTENCE #2
In no particular order, the issues I see in this sentence:
- what?!?! WTF does that even mean? It sounds like marketing buzzword salad—just a bunch of words that sound like a sentence, but seem to lack any real meaning
- it uses big, multi-syllable words instead of short, simple words (aspirations = goals, come into fruition = happen, collaboration = teamwork
So, putting it all together, let’s look at the original example sentence, and a clearer, more concise, revision:
INSTEAD OF
REVISE TO
Extra: Numbers, Abbreviations, Acronyms
Numbers
Spell out numbers
- from zero to ten
- accompanied by a scale word (like thousand, million, or billion)
- that may be easily confused or misread (written in numerals, 6,000,000 and 6,000,000,000 may be confused or misread; instead, write out six million and six billion)
- that begin a sentence (e.g. Two days ago, I sprained my ankle.)
- for common/easy fractions (e.g. one-half, one-fourth, one-third)
- for numbers that form compound words (e.g. three-year-old toddler)
| May 6, 1974 | 7,500 residents | 99.44% |
| page 2 | 221 Baker Street | 2:30 pm |
Use numerals for
- numbers 11 and up (unless they meet one or more of the conditions in the section above)
- dates, exact times, page references, room numbers, statistics, addresses, percentages, and dollars and cents2 (see “correct numeral uses” box at right)
- a list or series of numbers (e.g. 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, and 16)
Abbreviations & Acronyms
Unless you’re sure your audience knows what a particular abbreviation or acronym is, you should spell out the word or words on first usage, followed by the abbreviated term or acronyn in parenthesis.
After that first usage, repeated usages within the same page/document section can be abbreviated to a short form or acronym.Unless you’re sure your audience knows what a particular abbreviation or acronym is, you should spell out the word or words on first usage.
Examples & Instances
- If I (your professor) was writing an email or other routine correspondence to a student or another professor at FAU, I would use “FAU” (not “Florida Atlantic University”).
- If I were writing a recommendation letter about a former student to the student’s potential employer, I would write out “Florida Atlantic University (FAU)” the first time I used it in the letter.
- Because I included “FAU” in parenthesis after the full spelling “Florida Atlantic University,” I could use “FAU” for all other mentions in the letter
Combine & Condense (Avoid Repetition and Redundancy)
Often, writers have two or more sentences that repeat the same information in different ways. Or, they have two or more sentences with very similar information that can be combined (or grouped together) to get rid of repetitive language.
SAMPLE SENTENCE
First, we can edit out some of the language: e.g. I would like to remind you all. This is redundant—instead of telling them you’d like to remind them, just remind them.
Second, the idea that the deadline is approaching is inspecific, but it’s followed with specific deadline date, June 5. of the deadline. It’s almost the same info, but since “approaching” isn’t clear and “June 5” is clear, let’s get rid of the less clear info.
INSTEAD OF
REVISE TO
Don’t Do These Things
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ “I’m writing to [ reason ]…” OR “This letter/email is to…”
Get rid of unnecessary, canned, and redundant correspondence starters. See the examples and explanations below.
| UNNECESSARY CORRESPONDENCE STARTERS | EXPLANATION |
| ✕ I am writing to inform you… | No need to say you’re writing to inform… just inform. |
| ✕ This email is to… | No need to identify the correspondence as an email (the reader already knows)… just write. |
| ✕ I am writing this letter to let you know… | No need to identify the genre (the reader knows they’re reading a letter) or say you’re writing to let them know something. Just tell them the thing. |
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ “My name is [ name ]…” or “I am the [ job title ] at [ organization ]…”
Don’t start your correspondence with “My name is [ name ] . . .” or “I’m the [ role/title ] at [ organization ]. . . ”
Starting your correspondence this was in unnecessarily wordy, and it’s redundant because that information (your name, role or title, and organization) should go in the signature block of letters and emails or in the heading of memos.
See the examples and explanations below, and also, review Correspondence Conventions > Signature Block and Conciseness > Canned Correspondence Starters for more info.
| UNNECESSARY CORRESPONDENCE STARTERS | EXPLANATION |
| ✕ My name is Max Miller and I… | Since you will include your full name at the bottom of an email or letter, or in the heading of a memo, there’s no need to introduce yourself. |
| ✕ I am writing on behalf of my company, Widgets & Things, … | If you’re writing on behalf of your company, your company (or organization) should be listed below your name and/or position in the signature block of your letter or email. Since your affiliation is already in the signature block, there’s no need to state your organizational affiliation in the body of your correspondence. |
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ Canned Language such as “Due to the fact that…” & “Concerning the matter of”
Get rid of canned language, bureaucratic phrases, and phrases that sound professional (because they’re overused), but only serve to make your writing more wordy and less clear.
See below and Conciseness > Avoid Canned Phrases, Bureaucratic-speak, and Business-ese for more info & examples.
| ✕ INSTEAD OF | ✓ USE PLAIN LANGUAGE | ✕ INSTEAD OF | ✓ USE PLAIN LANGUAGE | |
| at the present time | now, today | concerning the matter of | about | |
| despite the fact that | although, while, even though | due to the fact that | because, since, as | |
| with the exception of | except, apart from | in regards to/regarding | about |
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ Circumlocutions
Circumlocution is using a phrase to convey meaning that could be presented in a single word. They are often roundabout expressions that take several words to say what could be said more succinctly. We often overlook them because many such expressions are habitual figures of speech. In writing, though, they should be avoided since they add extra words without extra meaning.
In short, use words; not phrases. See below and Conciseness > Avoid Circumlocutions for more info & examples.
| ✕ INSTEAD OF | ✓ USE PLAIN LANGUAGE | ✕ INSTEAD OF | ✓ USE PLAIN LANGUAGE | |
| in close proximity | near | despite the fact that | although | |
| is contingent upon | depends | subsequent to | after | |
| aware of the fact | know | due to the fact that | because, since | |
| it is necessary that | must, should | in reference/regards to | about | |
| is able to | can | in light of the fact that | because, since | |
| considering the fact that | because, since | has/have the opportunity to | can |
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ PAGOS > Purpose > “I am writing to inform…” or “I am writing to remind…”
Except in rare cases, the purpose is almost never “to write an email,” or “to write a letter.” The purpose is to do something–to make a sale, to encourage further contact, to build goodwill, to get a refund, to demonstrate credibility, etc.
The purpose of professional writing isn’t to write a thing… it’s to get something done.
In PAGOS plans, purpose asks “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN as a result of this communication situation?” Do you want your audience to simply be informed? Or do you want your audience to do something? (think something? keep something in mind? change their behavior? change their attitude? understand? agree with your position? etc.) Sometimes the purpose is simply to inform, but usually, there’s more.
YOU CAN DO THIS ↓
✓ Contractions are usually okay!
Unless you’re writing in a highly formal, sensitive, or ceremonal context, you can use contractions in professional writing.While most style guides (APA and MLA) advise that you shouldn’t use contractions in formal writing, remember that professional writing =/= formal writing. In other words, writing can be informal AND professional.
In fact, sometimes avoiding contractions makes your writing sound unnecessarily formal and strained.
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ “regarding” and “in regards to”
Don’t use “regarding” or “in regards to.” Just don’t. Get rid of them. Use “about” instead.
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ “Good Morning,” “Good Afternoon,” & “Good Evening”
How do you know your audience will read your message in the morning, afternoon, or evening? You can send some messages in the morning, afternoon, or evening, but you usually don’t know your audience will open them or read them in the monrning, afternoon, or evening.
For that reason, don’t write “good morning,” “good afternoon,” or “good evening.”
DON’T DO THIS ↓
✕ subject line: “Inquiry about…” / “Query regarding….”
Don’t forget the lessons you learned about clarity and conciseness, including:
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- use plain language: whenever possible, use shorter, simpler, more common words and phrases
- avoid circumlocutions: use words; not phrases
- avoid canned phrases, bureaucratic-speak, and business-ese: use plain, simple, clear language
- use fewer words & fewer syllables: use fewer words with fewer syllables; avoid long, complex, and/or less familiar words and instead, use short, simple, common language
| INSTEAD OF | REVISE TO |
| Inquiry Regarding Registration | Question About Fall 2021 Registration Dates |
| clarification in regards to deadline | When is project 5 due? [or] Question about deadline |
| Concerning the Matter of My Class Attendance | About My Absences on 11/3 and 11/5 |
| query into final project submission | please confirm you received my final project on 6/10 |
Negative Correspondence
Reasons for Denial
Yes, you should give a reason for why you’re denying a request. However, your scenario text might presents a couple of different reasons.
Sometimes, it’s better to provide just the best reason/s for the denial.
Let’s say you’re going out of town this weekend and you ask me to watch your dog while you’re away.
I’m going to say “no.” I can’t watch your dog this weekend, and I have a couple of reasons:
- My cats don’t like dogs, and it would be inconvenient for me to keep them separate
- I just got a new rug in my living room and I don’t want your dog getting muddy paw prints on it.
- My son is allergic to dogs.
- I don’t like your dog. I think he’s poorly behaved and untrained, he barks too much, and he always smells like he needs a bath.
All of those reasons are true. But should I give all of them when I tell you I can’t watch your dog? Should I include some of them? Which one or ones? (Why…?)
State the Negative Once / Apologize Once
DON’T DO THIS ↓
Don’t State the Negative… then Return to the Negative by Apologizing
State the negative once (only once) and then move on. Don’t repeat the bad news; Don’t return to it later in the message.If you’re apologizing, do it once. There’s no need for repeated apologies.
If you’re apologizing, make sure to do it at the same time/location as the bad news. If you separate the bad news and the apology, you’re actually repeating the bad news twice. For example:
The example above kinda states the bad news twice. At the least, it focuses on a negative twice: 1) cannot accept your application (or “a rejection”), and 2) we apologize for inconvenience (where the “inconvenience” is the application denial/rejection).
Instead, since you only want to state the bad news (or the negative) once, revise to:
DON’T DO THIS ↓
Don’t State the Negative Twice
Don’t repeat the bad news twice (even if it’s further detail on the bad news or a different way of saying the same thing)For example
The example above kinda states the bad news twice and explains the reason twice.
| Your application to Skateboarding Camp cannot be accepted | = | bad news |
| the application cannot be accepted | = | bad news (again!) |
| because the skills requirements were not met | = | explanation |
| application video doesn’t demonstate mastery of those skills | = | explanation (again!) |
Location of Reasons for Denial:
Keep all of the reason/s and related information in one place and write it as concisely as possible.
Don’t “Talk Up” the Thing Being Requested (the Denied Request)
Since you’re denying a request, recommendation, or application, make sure that you don’t “talk up” the thing you’re denying or saying no to.
Let’s I just made a batch of the awesome-ist Bittersweet Black Cocoa Cookies. They’re seriously awesome—they’re rich and chocolatey, crisp on the outside and soft in the middle. I imagine that a big part of why they’re awesome is that they require somewhat expensive ingredients that must be special ordered—black cocoa powder and organic pure cane sugar.
Noah—my son, age 12—lured downstairs by the aroma of fresh baked cookies and his great love of anything chocolate, asks me for one.
Because I baked them for students in my grad class, I can’t give him one (I have exactly enough for 2 cookies per student). I could say:
In the sample denial above, I talk up the cookies—I tell him how awesome they are, how they’re expensive and require special ingredients—right before I tell him he can’t have one. Hyping up the thing he can’t have isn’t very reader-centered because it makes the disappointment even bigger.
Similarly, presenting the alternative—the Oreo cookie—as a crappy, undesirable substitute (old, found in the back of the pantry) certainly doesn’t show how it is an alternative way for him to get a chocolate fix. It doesn’t suggest I care about Noah or what he wants very much.
Instead, I should say something like:
The sample denial above is much better because it doesn’t add to Noah’s disappointment by talking about how great the cookies are before telling him he can’t have one. It frames the alternative—the Orea cookie—as another way to get what he wants (some chocolate).
It does not, however, try to pass off the Oreo cookie as being as good or better as the Bittersweet cookies. Noah isn’t stupid‚ he knows the Oreo isn’t great, but it is an alternative.
Don’t Inflate the Request
Remember, one of the general purposes of negative messages is to encourage goodwill. In other words, even though you’re denying a request or delivering bad news, you still want the audience to think well of you.You’re a student. Which version of this denial would make you think less of your professor?
| VERSION #1 | VERSION #2 | VERSION #3 |
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Dear Students,
While many of you have asked for an extension on The Big Project, the deadline can’t be extended. To give me time to grade your work before the end of the term, The Big Project deadline is still June 10th.
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Dear Students,
While I received a request for a deadline extension on The Big Project, the deadline can’t be extended. To give me time to grade your work before the end of the term, The Big Project deadline is still June 10th.
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Dear Students,
To allow time for your work to be graded fairly and carefully before the end of the term, The Big Project deadline is June 10th.
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many of you unnecessarily increases the size of (and support for) the request
me emphasizes the writer (instead of the reader)
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a request demphasizes support for the request, and lessens the impact of the denial
me emphasizes the writer (instead of the reader)
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your work increases reader-centeredness and graded fairly and carefully explains the denial and provides a reader benefit
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Put another way, does it sound worse to deny a request? Or many requests?
Audience Wants: [Negative Contexts]
What does the audience really want? What language would they use to describe what they want?
When you go to buy new outfit, what do you really want? Do you really want a new outfit? Probably not. (If you really just wanted a new outfit, you’d buy one, chuck it in your closet, and be done with it.)
You actually want something else—do you want to look great? do you want to impress people? do you want to be comfortable? do you want to look stylist? (You actually want something else—the outfit is just a means to get that thing.)
What does the audience really want? What language would they use to describe what they want?
When you get a job, you want money in exchange for your work. But you probably wouldn’t describe it as “I want money.” That money speaks to some sort of value you hold and underlying want—do you want to be rich? (would you call it “rich,” “wealthy,” “or prosperous”?) do you want to be comfortable? do you want to have enough to eat and a place to live?
When you take a class at FAU, what do you want? You probably want to “do well.” But what does that mean and what language would you use for that meaning?
Do you want to get a good grade? (would you describe it as “a good grade”? or “an A”?) Or do you want to learn a lot? improve your skills? gain experience?
In all contexts, think about what your audience really wants and what language they would use to describe it.
Framing Alternatives (Present Alternatives as Attractive):
When you’re denying a request or application, if possible, you should present an alternative.
An alternative is another way for the audience to get what she or he wants. So, if the alternative is another way for the audience to get what they want, be sure to frame it as such. Make sure you connect the alternative to what the audience really wants.
Also, be sure to phrase the alternative in a way that sounds exciting, encouraging, and/or inviting. Avoid writing the alternative in a way that makes it sound like an obligation, concession, or a “runner-up prize.”
If you (the writer, the company representative, or the company) are involved in the alternative, be sure to frame is as something desirable—something you want to participate in, something you (and the company) also value.
By framing the alternative (another way for the reader to get what they want) as attractive, by framing it as something you (the writer) may want to participate in, you reflect the audience’s values/wants.
In other words, you can show that you share the same values as the audience.
Audience Wants + Alternatives:
What Does Dave Really Want?
For as long as I can remember, my cousin Dave had always wanted to be a lawyer—since high school, he’s had his heart set on earning his Juris Doctorate at Georgetown Law. Not only is Georgetown Law one of the top 20 law programs in the US, but it’s also located in Washington, D.C. and it’s home to the Georgetown Hoyas, Dave’s favorite NCAA basketball team.In college, Dave majored in pre-law, earned reasonably good grades, participated in relevant extracurriculars, and got a decent score on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT).
He was crushed when he received his rejection letter in the mail. Georgetown Law rejected him.
In this situation, what does the audience—Dave—really want?
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Possibility #1: What does Dave really want?
Dave wants to go to Georgetown Law
If what Dave really wants is to go to Georgetown Law, and Georgetown Law rejected him, he can either wait and apply again next year, or he can give up his dream and figure out something else to do with his life.
If what Dave really wants is to go to Georgetown Law, then if some other law school—like GWU—offered him admission, then Dave would say “no.”
Because Dave really wants to go to Georgetown, then there’s no alternative. Georgetown or nothing.
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Possibility #2: What does Dave really want?
Dave wants to be a lawyer
If what Dave really wants is to be a lawyer, then he might apply to other law programs. He might get admitted somewhere else, attend law school, graduate, and go on to practice law.
If what Dave really wants is to be a lawyer, then if some other law school—like GWU—offered him admission, then Dave would say “yes.”
Sure, Dave wanted to go to Georgetown (it was his top choice), but Georgetown is just one way to get what he really wants—to be a lawyer.
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You don’t know Dave (neither do I—I made him up), but if Dave is like most reasonable people out there, what he really wants is to be a lawyer. Sure, he will be disappointed that he didn’t get into Georgetown, but he’ll get over it and go to some other school in order to get what he really wants (to be a lawyer).
What Does Maria Really Want?
The day after my niece, Maria, celebrated her 15th birthday, she took her online Traffic Law and Substance Abuse Education Course (required for first time drivers). One week later, she was at the DMV passing her Florida Driver Learner’s Permit Exam.She’s had her permit for 9 months now, and throughout all of those months, she’s been asking her parents to buy her a car—she wants a Mazda Miata MX—a red one with a convertible top. She even got a part time job to contribute to a down payment.
Maria’s parents can’t (or won’t) do it, even with her contribution to a down payment. They’ve told Maria over and over… she’s not getting a Miata.
What Maria doesn’t yet know is that three months from now, on her 16th birthday, she’s getting a car. Not a red Miata, but an orange 2008 Nissan Versa in really good condition. It runs beautifully, it looks okay (a little wear and tear), and it has just over 100,000 miles on it.
Depending on how you look at it, on her 16th birthday, Maria is technically getting bad news—no Miata.
But… in this situation, what does the audience—Maria—really want?
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Possibility #1: What does Maria really want?
Maria wants a red Mazda Miata MX convertible
If what Maria really wants a red Mazda Miata MX convertible, and she isn’t getting one, then there is no immediate alternative. She won’t be able to get a Miata for a few years when she can pay for it on her own.
If what Maria really wants a red Mazda Miata MX convertible, but Maria’s parents offer her an orange 2008 Nissan Versa, she will refuse the gift.
If Maria truly wants the Miata, but she doesn’t get a Miata, there is no alternative. It’s a Miata or nothing.
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Possibility #2: What does Maria really want?
Maria wants a car/wants some freedom
If what Maria really wants is her own car, but she’s not getting the cool red convertible she prefers, then she would take another car as an alternative—another way to get what she really wants.
If what Maria really wants is her own car, and her parents offer her an orange 2008 Nissan Versa, Maria will accept the gift.
If Maria really wants her own car and her parents gift her some other car, she will accept it (even though she would have preferred a Miata)
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Persuasive Correspondence
Reason/s for Request
When you’re making a persuasive request (in situations where the reader isn’t obligated to give you anything/approve anything), you should provide some sort of reasoning for your request.
Writer-Oriented Reasons:
Sometimes reasons are more writer-oriented — they’re about the writer’s context; something that happened to the writer; something the writer did, wants, “deserves,” etc.
Reader-Oriented Reasons:
Sometimes the reasons are more reader-oriented — they’re linked to something the reader (or reader’s organization) will gain or benefit from
Number & Persuasiveness of Reasons:
While you may have a bunch of different—and somewhat unrelated—reasons that support your request (as “evidence” that the reader should comply), you don’t have to use them all.
Sometimes it’s best to provide just one (or two) of the best reasons the reader should comply.
Let’s say I ordered a set of four star shaped cookie cutters on Amazon. When they arrived:
- I realized they were smaller than I thought (while the sizes were listed on the product page, I didn’t read the description carefully)
- I decided I didn’t want to make star shaped cookies anymore—I want to make circles and squares instead.
- I realized they were very poor quality—thin and easily bent.
- While there were four cookie cutters in the box, two of them were heart shaped (and I ordered a set of four star shaped cutters).
All of those things are true, and they’re all reasons that I want a refund—I want a refund because they’re smaller than I thought, I changed my mind about the shape, they were poor quality, and two of them were hearts when I ordered four stars.
When I write to the merchant to request a refund, I could include all of those reasons, but should I?
No, I shouldn’t.
The first two have nothing to do with the merchant (not the merchant’s fault I didn’t read the description or changed my mind), the third is subjective (we don’t all have the same quality standards), but the fourth one is clear and reasonable:
“I paid for four star shaped cookie cutters, but I received two stars and two hearts. I didn’t get what I paid for, and so I’d like to return them for a refund.” <– clear, concise, and reasonable.
Rhetorical Appeals (Pitfalls)
Be careful in using rhetorical appeals—use the appeals that are best suited to your reader (not necessarily the appeals that might feel the “biggest” or most important to you/the writer).
We rhetorically appeal to audiences all the time—whether we’re aware of it or not. So, in all of your writing (and particularly persuasive writing) watch out for these rhetorical appeals potential pitfalls. Just because an appeal has a potential pitfall doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it—it only means you should be cautious.
- If you’re appealing to your own character/credibility, the audience should already know your character (and think you are trustworthy). In other words, if you don’t already have an established relationship with the audience, or if the audience doesn’t already know you, be careful in drawing on your own character or credibility.
- If you’re arguing or persuading on the basis of your own position (as a customer, as a student, as a manager or supervisor, as a concerned citizen), make sure that position is persuasive to your audience. Ask yourself, what does the reader value? If your position isn’t related to what the reader values, then be careful in using your position as a reason the audience should grant your request or do what you want.
- If you’re persuading based on logical reasoning, be sure that your logical reasoning is also logical to your audience (what seems logical to you may not be logical to someone else).
- Also, be sure that your audience is likely to be persuaded by logic (or facts, evidence, rationality).
- If you’re persuading based on emotion, be sure your audience is likely to be persuaded by emotion, and be sure your appeal is likely to evoke the emotion you intend.
- Be careful that your audience won’t feel like they’re being emotionally manipulated by your appeals to pathos.
- If the emotional appeal doesn’t work—if it doesn’t evoke the desired emotion in your audience—the audience is likely to recognize that they’re being pushed into a feeling they don’t share.
- If the emotional appeal does work—if it does evoke the desired emotion in the audience—it doesn’t automatically mean the audience will do what you want. Be careful that evoking emotion doesn’t turn your audience off.
You know those commercials for the ASPCA* with slow pans of sad, sick dogs accompanied by Sarah McLachlan’s “Arms of the Angels”?
Clearly, the ASPCA is using emotional appeals to persuade viewers to donate money to help dogs who have been abused, mistreated, and neglected.
The emotional appeal in those commercials gets to me—it works Seeing sad, abused dogs and hearing that mournful song is heartbreaking to me. The commercials make me sad, and depending on my mood, they’ve actually brought tears to my eyes.
And I HATE them. I HATE being emotionally manipulated. I HATE being sad. I am exponentially less likely to donate to the ASPCA since those commercials have been on the air in the past 10 years. I have donated to to animal protection organizations over the past decade—local rescue shelters, the World Wildlife Fund, and The Big Cat Rescue in Tampa—but not to the ASPCA (and now, I jump to turn off the television as soon as I hear the first few notes of that damn song).
* American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Audience Wants: [Persuasive Contexts]
What does the audience want? What is the reader benefit?
Consider the Reader’s Position & Level of Investment: Often—but not always—people in “lower” positions in an organization are less invested in the organization’s mission & goals and more interested in just doing their job (as easily, quickly, and painlessly as possible).
Lots of us have had jobs in retail—as customer service representatives, stock workers, sales assocates, cashiers, etc. Let’s consider a similar situation—of a part time Sales Associate who works the floor and register at the GAP retail clothing store in West Palm Beach making about $12 an hour.
The GAP—the company’s—overarching goal is to make a profit. The GAP’s mission statement* is “to democratize fashion and make shopping fun again. To bring incredible style and quality to families the world over.”
The Sales Associate’s overarching goal is to make some money. But does the Sales Associate really care about “democratizing fashion,” “making shopping fun again,” or “bringing style and quality to families the world over”? Probably not.
The Sales Associate wants to do their work—as easily, efficiently (and probably effieciently) as possible and get their paycheck. Sure, I imagine they want to do their work well, but they probably don’t think of their work folding shirts, helping customers, and working the register as “democratizing fashion,” or “making shopping fun.” They’re just doing their job.
So, in interactions with customers, what does the Sales Associate want? They probably want to get their job done as quickly, easily, and efficiently as possible. If you’re asking them for something, make it as easy as possible for them to grant your request as easily, quickly, and efficiently as possible.
They probably just want to get done with you and your request as fast as they can. Make it easy for them to do just that.
Threats (vs. Benefits)
What does the audience want? What is the reader benefit?
In most professional situations, benefits work better than threats. But, if you really think the best way to get what you want is to threaten some unwanted action (or suggest a threat of unwanted action), make sure it’s credible.
Let’s say I buy special, super-expensive cat food for my cats. I’ve set up automatic monthly ordering, billing, and delivery every month so I’m sure my cats are never without their food.
After 8 months of perfect, on time deliveries, this month my order didn’t come on time. After waiting a week, I email the company and ask when I can expect my delivery (since it’s late and they’ve already charged my credit card for the month). Three days later, they haven’t responded.
I write again and suggest that if my order isn’t delivered promptly, I might take legal action.
Now, let’s step back. What’s my purpose? What do I want? I want the cat food I ordered and paid for.
What’s the reader benefit? In the hypothetical above, instead of framing the reader benefit as something the reader gets/wants, the reader benefit is framed as avoiding a thing the reader doesn’t want (avoiding a law suit).
In general, you should suggest benefits instead of threats… and if you do make a threat, at least make sure it’s reasonable.
Be Clear & Direct About What You Want
Be direct. Tell the reader what you want… and be specific.
Don’t “hope for” what you want. Don’t “request [some vague thing].” Instead, be direct—ask for what you want and/or tell the audience what you want.
In routine business situations—where it’s normal and reasonable to make the request—don’t be vague or polite in a way that’s unclear. It’s not impolite to be direct in routine situations. (direct =/= demanding)
INSTEAD OFI am requesting a full refund of the funds I spent on these cookies.
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REVISE TOPlease refund my credit card $25.00 for the missing cookies (order #44556677).
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INSTEAD OFIt would be appropriate for your business to return my money.
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REVISE TOPlease refund $10.00 via PayPal to address@email.com for the broken lamp (transaction ID #22334455).
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INSTEAD OFI would like information about your Spring semester course offerings.
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REVISE TOPlease send your Spring semester course offerings to myaddress@email.com.
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INSTEAD OFDo you have information on the rental cars available at the Ft. Lauderdale airport?
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REVISE TOPlease send a list of the rental cars available at the Ft. Lauderdale airport—along with rates, amenities, and discounts—to person@email.com.
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INSTEAD OFI hope we can find a resolution to this situation.
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REVISE TOTo replace the toy car that arrived broken, please send a new toy car or refund my $19.99.
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Make it Easy for the Audience to Give You What You Want
Provide the audience all of the information they need to grant approval and/or give you what you want.
Make it easy for them by providing specific amounts, addresses, order numbers, dates, etc. (In other words, if you’re asking someone to do something, make it easy for them to do that thing. Don’t make them do extra work.)
INSTEAD OFCan you write me a recommendation letter?
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REVISE TOSince I did well in your Spring 2020 ENC 3213 course (I got an A-), I would appreciate a recommendation letter from you in support of my application to the FAU Pre-Medical graduate program. I’m attaching my resume, a recent writing sample, my personal statement, and a recommendation form. If you’re able, the letter and form are due by May 5 to pre-med@fau.edu.
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INSTEAD OFI think I got one right on the quiz, but it was marked wrong.
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REVISE TOOn “MLA Quiz” (due 3/15), my response for question number 4 was marked wrong, but I think it was correct. The question was “What does ‘MLA’ stand for?” I responded “Modern Language Association.” According to the course material at http://techrhet.com/mla, my response is correct. Can you please check, and if appropriate, give me the point back?
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INSTEAD OFI’d like to meet for office hours.
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REVISE TOI’d like some extra help on the Pro Editing assignment, but I have a class during your office hours. Are you available for a 20 minute Zoom meeting on Wednesday or Friday morning?
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